The Chinese love fú​ (no, not that foo’). Of all the characters you see in China, fú​ (福) has got to be the most common. It’s everywhere, especially at Spring Festival. It can be understood as good fortune/luck/auspiciousness/blessing and is used in everything from the Chinese word for “happiness” (幸福) to “the Gospel” (福音) to “Blessed are the poor…” in Luke 6 (“…有福了。”).

Here’s a cheesy, hauntingly Dr. Suess-esque e-mail we got at work today (in Chinese) that expresses nicely how it feels to be literally surrounded by fú​s everywhere you go:

Tiger comes, fú​ comes,* every household fú​,
Tiger brings blessings filled up with fú​.
Tiger year enjoy fú​ different kinds of fú​:
Big fú​, small fú​, everywhere fú​,
Gold fú​, silver fú​, fully-stored-up fú​!
Welcome fú​, greet fú​ every year fú​,
Guard fú​, implore fú​, every age fú​!
Wish you tiger year even more… happiness.

I thought that last line is kind of a downer. You really though it was going to end with “fú​”, didn’t you? It does in Chinese, but as part of the word for “happiness” (幸福).

We just got some of our our Spring Festival fú​ today when my parents arrived from Canada to see ustheir granddaughter (it’s their first time in China!), so the blog may be a little slow the next two weeks.

*(This older style grammar actually means ‘has arrived’ but doesn’t literally have past tense, sort of like “The Lord is come”… so I’m told.)

P.S. – For some reason it’s not letting me include the Chinese text… I’m using WordPress. If anyone has any ideas, please let me know! If I include the text, it removes all text (English and Chinese) from the post preview. Help!

Other stuff about celebrating Chinese New Year’s:

• ‘Tis the season for… RED PANTIES!
• Pun-based Chinese New Year customs
• Spending Chinese New Year with a Chinese family
• The Nian monster is coming! Better get some red underwear!
• Sharing Chinese New Year’s with the neighbours
• Happy New Year! Congratulations for not being eaten!
• Chinese New Year: a Passover?
• Fireworks
• Happy New Year! (Taibei 2006)

After all the whining about the pollution and fear-mongering about the bathrooms, I should mention that in some ways Tianjin is far superior to, say, Vancouver (host city 2010 Olympic Winter Games).

For example, in Tianjin, a massive city of 8 million people, you can get a live chicken delivered straight to your door for ￥8/斤！ Ordered online! That’s like $1.25 per pound! Behold (click the image to go to the site):

The part I circled is the end of a list of special instructions you can choose from, in this case: “…slaughtered, alive, etc.” （宰过，活的等）。

(P.S. — Camilla)

You can download the mp3s, song lyrics with hanzi, pinyin, and English translation, and even the guitar chords if you want from Albert at LaowaiChinese.net, the guy who wrote Chinese 24/7. Great for language learners and funny. Here’s his latest Chinese ones:

• “Kuàilè 快乐” – which he deliberately stuffed with all the Chinese pop music clichés he could think of.
• “Wo Bu Shi Dongxi 我不是东西” (正式山寨版) – “I’m nothing” (official shānzhài version)
• “Àimèi de Guānxi 暧昧的关系” – “Ambiguous Relationship”

Follow the links and you’ll also find English language songs about jiǎozi and his Chinese bicycles. The humour may or may not translate into Chinese too well, owing mostly to the fact that Mainlanders seem to have a much higher tolerance for clichéd phrases.

The full-throated spitting that goes on here is amazing. But it’s not nice to bring it up, regardless of the fact that it is ever-present. However, this – this is cool.

The latest Eric Liddell biography spends a lot of time describing life in Weihsien, an internment camp to which the remaining foreigners in China were sent by the Japanese during World War II. News and uncensored communication from the outside world were strictly forbidden. The internees couldn’t even buy food from local Chinese merchants; the only people who regularly went in and out from the camp were some local Chinese workers who emptied the latrines. One interned missionary teamed up with one of these workers and devised a way to get messages into and out of the camp:

For several months Father Raymond DeJaegher, a Belgian priest, had been communicating with the outside world through a coolie who helped empty the camp latrines. The coolie, with his eye on DeJaegher, would bend over to blow his nose or spit on an ash pile, thus depositing a message in a tightly wrapped wad of waterproof paper. The priest would casually retrieve the pellet and leave outgoing messages in a prearranged place. …and soon, messages began to be smugged into camp from the two escapees, giving the [internee leadership] accurate information about the progress of the war. (p. 274)

When two men succeeded in a carefully planned escape, they used this system to feed accurate information back into the camp and help coordinate aid from the outside.

I bet none of those interned foreigners ever dreamed they would one day be glad for all that spitting.

Not all propaganda is bad; here I’m using the word in a more redeemable sense. Full marks to the guy responsible for this:

Now, you might be wondering what the big deal is. You might also be wondering why that sign has picture of a beer bottle and two bleeding wine glasses attacking a car. Tianjin has a lot of bizarre traffic signs, but this one is actually a small stroke of genius.

Behold, at right, the Chinese character for alcohol, pronounced: “jiǔ.” And now, take closer look at the picture on that street sign:

It says:

严禁酒后驾车
yán jìn jiǔ hòu jià chē
“Strictly Prohibited: Driving vehicles after alcohol”

Geniuses. And you, along with thousands of other illiterate lǎo wài, thought it was just a weird-looking street sign. Of course, I did, too, until we made to the Ordering Food lesson.

For our interpretive community. Lots of you are educated in literature and things relating to textual criticism. Surely with our powers combined we can find meaning in this.

Friend
-5′C
because you don’t
force yourself go fall,
you just fall.

Like there are many stars up in the sky, my words for you in this paper resemble tiny bits or seeds.

because you don’t
force yourself go fall,
you just fall.

Cherry! Cherry! Cherry!

My friends

Any and all interpretive attempts are welcome!

Well, it’s Chou-chou here again. My apologies for, and a brief explanation of, my long absence in posting on the big cat’s blog. It began this summer, when the big cats departed for Cat-nada, leaving me to room with Doodoo. In spite of his hairlessness, Doodoo actually turned out to be a pretty decent old chap (a little stuffy, but otherwise alright). We actually got along pretty well. However, we didn’t want his big cats to suspect that we might be okay roomies, so we put up a good show of dislike and held a perpetual stand-off between us. Apparently, we were pretty convincing too….within three days, I had been returned to my own home, under the care of a new big cat.

Unfortunately, it turned out that the new big cat prefers dogs and birds and was not-so-fond of small cats. She was okay, but I sank into a depression that didn’t lift until my own big cats returned from the far reaches of Cat-nada. I didn’t even write any haiku during this time period, and my opinion pieces were decidedly dark and satirical in nature. Overall, I would’ve preferred to stay with Doodoo. What a relief when the big cats returned, and I was able to resume my rightful sleeping place in their bed and have my every need attended to by cat-lovers. I whined at them for almost a month solid, as a means of claiming my revenge for having been left so long. Eventually, we all got settled back into our old patterns and routines. It was wonderful and I started to contemplate my next post on the blog.

However, believe it or not, this has been my first opportunity to sneak onto the blog in months! The big cats were MAJOR computer hogs from September all the way through December, claiming that they had too much homework. HA! I know the truth…I saw both of them playing on kittenwar.com multiple times. To their credit, they were trying to find my picture, and vote me as cutest kitten in the world. Not that a vote is needed, as the truth is self-evident…but I appreciate their loyalty. The amount of whining I’ve had to put up with from them has been insufferable, and definitely a testimony to my patient and tolerant nature. Most other cats would’ve shredded their books, chewed their computer cables, or slashed their faces while they were sleeping in an attempt to make the whining stop.

Recently, there has been another new cat added to the house. This kitten is a little odd….hardly a proper tail, sneezes all the time (especially under the blankets at night), and what a name! “Fire Chicken,” said in any language, is hardly a proper name for a kitten. But what can you expect from big cats that named me after the aroma of a certain popular food here in Taiwan? I really think they need to learn more Chinese, so that they can begin picking better names for their small cats. Anyway, after an initiation period, in which I had to teach the new kitten everything of importance (tail chasing, playing, covering one’s evidence in the litter box, proper form for haiku), I’ve decided she’s okay (though I’m not sharing the password to the blog). I’m not sure how permanent the arrangement is for her to live here, but for now she keeps me company while the big cats are away all day long. Plus, I now have somebody closer to my own size to wrestle with and bite. It’s kind of fun tearing around the house and stomping all over the big cats while they’re trying to sleep.

So that’s an account of my life for the last few months. Thanks to my loyal readers who kept inquiring as to my whereabouts. Don’t forget to vote for me on kittenwar.com. As a Christmas gift to you, here are two haiku. One from my poetic prodigy, Fire Chicken, and one from myself.

Here is Fire Chicken’s (she shows promise, doesn’t she?):

I think that one has to do with her stealthy, slimy sneezes on the big cats at night under the blankets. And here’s my own, an attempt to reflect the peaceful holiday ambience of our household, now that the big cats have stopped their whining and Fire Chicken is keeping me company. Here goes:

Happy Holidays!

Recently my friend Kelly has taken to posting the occasional poem on her blog. I won’t claim that this post was inspired by her poetic posts, especially since she is quoting serious, grown-up kind of poets like Shelley and John Howard Payne.

For me, however, children’s poet Jack Prelutsky’s epic poem will serve to convey my current (somewhat childish) attitude and frame of mind.

Homework! Oh, Homework!*

Homework! Oh, homework!
I hate you! You stink!
I wish I could wash you
away in the sink.
If only a bomb
would explode you to bits.
Homework! Oh, homework!
You’re giving me fits.

I’d rather take baths
with a man-eating shark,
or wrestle a lion
alone in the dark,
eat spinach and liver,
pet ten porcupines,
than tackle the homework
my teacher assigns.

Homework! Oh, homework!
You’re last on my list.
I simply can’t see
why you even exist.
If you just disappeared
it would tickle me pink.
Homework! Oh, homework!
I hate you! You stink!

* With regards to my third grade teacher, who forced us to memorize this poem, in what I now consider to be a somewhat ironic choice of a homework assignment. I am however, thankful, because almost twenty years later, the thought of taking a bath with a man-eating shark is cracking me up and helping me stay (a little bit) more sane.

Sometimes, when all I’ve been able to do is homework and bellyache about doing homework, a brief indulgence in childishness can be a nice break! :D

Okay, so from a cats-eye view, there’s been a whole lot of WEIRD activity going on around here lately. The big cats have been extra busy…the weirdest thing has probably been all the cleaning! That’s when I really knew that something was up….usually, they’ll do the dishes a few times a week and sweep the floor every once in a while. But not this week….noooooo. They’ve been moving around furniture, doing extra laundry, sweeping, scrubbing, mopping….they even brought in this orange scary monster with a trunk like an elephant to help out with the cleaning. That thing reached under the bed and the dresser and sucked my dust bunny collection into oblivion.

So I started eavesdropping and paying closer attention to see if I could figure out what was behind all of this unusual activity. Here’s what I found out…and boy are my hackles raised!

The big cats are taking off to some wonderful magic place called “Cat-nada” for a few months and they’re not planning on taking me with them. I don’t get it…with a name like that, it seems like the kind of place I could enjoy.

But that’s not the worst of it. They’ve made arrangements with “The Boss” for me to stay at his house. If they think I’m living with Doo-doo, the hairless wonder cat, for two months….they’re off their rockers. He may be some kind of fancy-schmancy show cat, but he wouldn’t recognize a good haiku if it came up and bit him on his hairless rump.

So, I’m devising a plan. Actually, I’ve already devised a few…and the big cats have already foiled a couple of them.

Here goes:

Plan A – “Fake Sick”: Help out with the cleaning. “Accidentally” ingest some of the cleaning products. This should make me sick enough that the big cats will feel bad, cancel their trip, and stay here to nurse me back to health. And beg for forgiveness for trying to leave in the first place.

Unfortunately, they foiled this one. They noticed that my paws got coated with the cleaning stuff and that I was starting to lick it. So not only did they wreck my plan, but they also subjected me to the ultimate humiliation…they bathed me!

Plan 2 – “Look Cute”: I discovered that my apartment won’t be empty while the big cats are gone. Some other big cat is moving in and was scheduled to bring her bags to the apartment today. So, I planned to look extra cute (I even washed behind my ears, and pretended that I was sleeping on the couch when she arrived), calm, and cuddly in hopes that she might offer to keep me while the big cats are away.

Unfortunately, this one was foiled too. Apparently, the new big cat is “not really a cat person.” She likes DOGS and BIRDS!!! and she doesn’t like cats because they kill birds. In a way, I’m glad this plan didn’t work out…I’m not sure I could live with someone loony enough to prefer a brainless bird over a cat.

Plan C – “Sneaky Stowaway”: This plan is simple. Climb in the suitcases while they’re packing, and hope they don’t notice. Then when they reach Cat-nada — Surprise!!! Chou chou’s here!

Foiled again. Not only did they notice when I tried to hide in the suitcase, but then they proceeded to pack the suitcases so tight that there’s no room for me. Dangit.

Plan 4 – “Nine Inch Nails”: (haven’t gotten to try this yet, but I think it’ll work) It seems to me that if the big cats don’t have suitcases, they can’t fly anywhere. After I finish this post, I think I’ll test my claws on their luggage and see if I can shred it to smithereens before dawn. Wish me luck.

I’m not sure that I can handle going to live with a cat that has a mullet. But if plan 4 doesn’t work and I’m stuck with Doo doo…I can take comfort in several things which are definite advantages in the competition for attention.

1. I’m cute.
2. I’m still a kitten.
3. I have all of my fur.

Chou chou here…

I’m forgoing my nightly routine of shredding toilet paper and chasing dust bunnies around the apartment. Now that the big cats have wandered off to bed, the computer is mine, so I’ll take this chance to post some birthday greetings!

During the hours when the big cats disappear every day, I mostly sit around with my eyes shut thinking up new haiku to pass the hours. These are for the tallest big cat:

Fluttering, cats melt.
Eagerness melts the woman.
A hunting spice walks.

Happy hostile cat.
Calm blue oceans create waves.
Psychology nut.

Happy Birthday!