China Hope Live » Love

Merry Christmas 2011! (“Is there anything worth believing in?”)

Joel 大江 — Thu, 22 Dec 2011 06:16:56 +0000

From John Lennox, author and Professor in Mathematics and Fellow in Mathematics and Philosophy of Science at Oxford:

Is there anything worth believing in? Oh, ladies and gentlemen– I’m an old man. Let me speak to you directly.

In all my life studying different philosophies and ideas and mathematics for the sheer fun of it, I’ve never come across an idea that remotely touches this one:
“The Word became human, and dwelt among us.”

It’s not every world-class academic who could also make a good Santa. Merry Christmas!

The Posts of Christmas Past:

Christmas in general:

Ho! Ho! Who? Santa VS. China’s God of Wealth
Merry Christmas Music 2009!
Christmas doesn’t have to be Made In China
圣诞快乐! Merry Christmas! (a Christmas poem for 2007)

Christmas in China:

You can see all our Christmas stuff here.

(P.S. – That’s Merry Christmas 2011, not 2012. Ooohh… someone’s asleep at the switch!)

Cross-cultural living and the desire to be intimately known

Joel 大江 — Sat, 12 Nov 2011 17:21:19 +0000

Guest post! Cindy is one of the very few 100% fully bi-cultural people I’ve ever known. She originally wrote this in Facebook, and after reading it I asked to repost it here. I think it connects powerfully with everyone, especially those of us who live far from home, and most especially with Third-Culture Kids who aren’t really sure where ‘home’ is.

Let’s get to know each other

by Cindy
I had a conversation with my girlfriend about the hypothetical situation of whether we should remarry if our husbands died. I know my married girlfriends have had this conversation too, don’t deny it people. Her response was how hard it would be to have to get to know another person as intimately all over again.

Truly one of the greatest gifts in relationships is to be understood by another person. And trusting you will be accepted and loved in spite of the intimate knowledge. However, the process from acquaintance to intimacy takes time. It takes time to tell stories, to react to circumstances in life, to laugh and cry together, to argue and disagree, and then to make up. These experiences build layers of trust and loyalty and compose the patches of material that make up friendship. Through time we weave our lives together and enter together into the depth of relationship that allow us to be known by one another. And we are created to long for that depth. To be deeply known.

The trouble is, then we move. We pick up and move to another town. Or in my case, across the freakin’ ocean. I grew up in a small school where my friends were like my brothers and sisters. We were that small and that close. At graduation we scattered literally all over the world. Our new communities didn’t know our collective history and we had to start over from scratch with the storytelling and the laughing and crying and all that relationship building stuff. Then we’d move again. And start all over again. It’s no wonder people who are forced to move around a lot, like military families, have intimacy issues. It’s simply too exhausting.

Each time we enter a new community, that new place shapes us, molding us into someone different. When I left Wheaton, I was starting to question some of the conservative elements of my beliefs. Fuller helped introduce a broader spectrum of theology and how to incorporate doubt and criticism into a vibrant faith. In a sense, there was a Morrison Cindy, a Wheaton Cindy, a Fuller Cindy, a China Cindy, and a back-to-Taiwan Cindy. As time went on, the world changed and so did I. In the moving river of life, people who stepped in along the way journeyed with me downstream without the knowledge of who I was before I became who I am. Like a diamond, we can only reflect light off of one surface at a time even though we are made out of many facets.

The potential for misunderstanding is alarming. In our limited perspective, it’s too easy to make judgments regarding a person’s comments without a fuller understanding of their background. Wheaton Cindy would be appalled at some of the theological slants of back-to-Taiwan Cindy, and Chinese Cindy cannot hardly stand American Cindy most of the time. The complexities of our biological, cultural, mental, and spiritual identities is what fuels the psycho-therapy economy. And yet there exists inside of me the desire to be wholly known. The impossibility of somebody understanding the nuances of every past experience, every hat I wear, every idea and action and word I exhibit, doesn’t stop me from trying.

So I tell stories. I share my reaction when stuff happens. I laugh and cry. I argue and disagree. And I make up. Then I listen, not only to stories but to the stories behind the stories. I try not to jump to conclusions about people because I don’t know where they’ve been upstream. I look for the other faces of the diamond that make up each person I encounter because seeing only one side is not satisfying. I lean deep into the relationships around me to know and be known. It’s what I was created for.

I’m Cindy. It’s nice to meet you. Let’s get to know each other, shall we?

Cross-cultural harmony, cross-cultural marriage: Can foreigners ever really “understand China”?

Joel 大江 — Sat, 16 Oct 2010 04:29:36 +0000

The question of mutual cross-cultural understanding — generally and in marriage — came up this week in two separate places. Cindy wrote about culture shock and cross-cultural understanding in marriage (as part of her on-going series about cross-cultural marriage — linked below). In a blogger interview we did for a China travel website they asked if we thought foreigners could ever really “understand China.” I love the way both articles tackle the same general theme from two very different angles.

First, here’s an excerpt from Cindy’s Our Unique Bond #4 (I really hope you’ll go read the whole thing on her blog; it’s fantastic and I cut out some of the best parts here):

Culture shock is the pruning process. It’s the Good Friday before Easter Sunday. It’s the dark night before the dawn. It’s the pain before the gain. But let me be clear on one thing: though culture shock is inevitably painful, it is not inevitable. We experience culture shock only if and when we actually desire to engage with another culture in a meaningful way. I personally know couples who marry cross culturally who don’t make an effort to engage in their spouse’s culture and I suspect they don’t have culture shock issues in their marriage. Just as an expat can live in another culture and exist purely in an expat bubble without engaging local culture, they too, won’t encounter culture shock issues.

And here I break the bad news to people considering cross culture marriages. Gulp. In my humble opinion, you WILL have to make sacrifices and be ready to lose aspects of your culture if you want to make your marriage work. [...] There are parts of my Chinese self, that I can never fully share and relate, with J. Though I try with every effort throughout our marriage. I believe it is ultimately healthy for the relationship to recognize and come to accept this. If you find yourself in a cross cultural relationship, you will have to decide the things you value in your relationship is worth the cost. In my case, I saw a character I admired, a common vision for life, and a deep friendship that bonded us even despite cultural differences.
[...]
Easier said than done. But it is worth doing. Please don’t be the kind of couple who just is content with living life according to one spouse’s culture. You are robbing yourself of the gift of being in a cross cultural marriage. J and I have learned so much about each other, and it has provided us with the invaluable skill of being able to encounter people who are very different from us with respect. And we hope to pass this on to our children to help them navigate themselves in our increasingly diverse yet interconnected world.

Here’s one of my answers from the travel website (China Blogger Spotlight: Getting intercultural with Joel and Jessica from China Hope Live):

Do you think [China/Chinese culture] is something a foreigner can ever truly understand?
Yes and no — it depends what you mean by “truly understand.” I definitely think it’s possible for people from vastly different cultures, like East Asian and Euro-American cultures, to have a deep and satisfying mutual understanding. We can also learn lots about ourselves and our own cultures through the perspectives of people from other cultures. Chinese people have the opportunity, to see things about Canadian culture and society (for example) that Canadians can’t see because Canadians are in their own culture and therefore they are too close to see some things. And the same works in reverse: outsiders in China can see things about Chinese culture and society that Chinese people can’t see because Chinese people don’t have an outsider’s perspective on their own culture. So there’s lots we can learn from one another, not just about one another’s cultures, but also about our own cultures.

Sometimes when people say “understand China” what they really mean is “accept and agree with whatever ‘China’ says or does.” Sometimes when these people hear a foreigner express a “non-Chinese opinion” (especially about sensitive topics), they disregard the foreigner by saying “they just don’t understand China” or “they’re just using foreign thinking to understand China.” I think that kind of attitude and thinking is basically nonsense, and it doesn’t promote mutual understanding. “Understanding” and “thinking and feeling the same” are not the same thing.

The differences between Chinese and Euro-American cultures are very, very deep; often I think people don’t realize how different we really are. Cultural differences are fascinating. However, I think the things we have in common are even deeper, more profound, and more important that our differences. I really believe that it’s possible for Chinese and lǎowàis (老外s) to have solidarity that is stronger and more meaningful than our differences.

Merry Christmas Music 2009!

Joel 大江 — Sun, 20 Dec 2009 14:04:53 +0000

It’s time for the annual Christmas posts, but we’re a little handicapped this year without youtube, plus I don’t want to repeat, so no poems, cute TCKs, crucified Mickeymouses, or churches with Santa painted on them all year long.

Instead you get to hear some Christmas songs for grown-ups. It’s not the ultimate Christmas song selection (for that I’d need the Trans-Siberian Orchestra stuff we accidentally left in Canada), but we like it. All the songs are from Over The Rhine‘s 2007 Snow Angels album. OTR gets points from us for mixing real Christmas (i.e. love, forgiveness, hope, Jesus, etc.) with married-people’s business. I’ll let you figure out for yourself which songs are about which, or both. You can buy these and other OTR music here.

“Here It Is”
[Visit the blog to listen to audio]
“All I Ever Get For Christmas Is Blue”
[Visit the blog to listen to audio]
“Darlin’ (Christmas is Coming)”
[Visit the blog to listen to audio]
“Snowed In With You”
[Visit the blog to listen to audio]
“White Horse”
[Visit the blog to listen to audio]
“North Pole Man”
[Visit the blog to listen to audio]

More Christmas posts on the way; we have a little Tianjin Christmas adventure planned for Christmas Eve.

Other Christmas and Christmas-in-China posts:

Lilia Eden

Joel 大江 — Wed, 27 May 2009 06:30:31 +0000

If blogging is a little slow for the next little while, here’s why:

Lilia Eden was born 7 weeks early at 9:21pm on May 23! She’s 4lbs 10.5oz, 18.5 inches. Jessica is doing great, despite the unexpected emergency surgery, and Lilia is in the NICU getting stronger every day. If you’re Facebook friends with either of us, then you can see photos.

We’re aiming to move back to China in September, but blogging will be less frequent (but not totally absent) until then.

P.S. – Chinese name suggestions most welcome! But we make no promises. Her family name is 陆。

P.P.S. – As tempting as it is, we wont be turning this into a baby photo blog. We’ll keep writing China stuff here, and just make a different blog for the baby photos! :)

她有喜了! (We’ve got a bǐng in the oven!)

Joel 大江 — Fri, 02 Jan 2009 11:09:13 +0000

现在怡安的烤箱里有了一块饼！ / xiànzài yíān de kǎoxiāng lǐ yǒu le yī kuài bǐng!
“Now inside Jessica’s oven there’s a bǐng!”

Joel和怡安的猫从袋子里逃出来了。 / Joel hé yíān de māo cóng dàizi lǐ táo chūlái le.
“Joel and Jessica’s cat escaped out from inside the bag.”

Neither of those idioms make much sense in Chinese. The Chinese way to say this is “She has happiness!” (她有喜了！/ tā yǒu xǐ le), or just “She has!” (她有了！tā yǒu le).

We told our families on Christmas (so glad for Skype!). As of right now we’re just about at 12 weeks.

(You may now commence with the “Made in China” and homemade Christmas present jokes.)

Christmas doesn’t have to be Made In China

Joel 大江 — Sat, 06 Dec 2008 13:48:09 +0000

Vote for us!
It’s time for the annual Christmas post! But first, in an apparent act of holiday goodness, some warm-hearted soul has gone and nominated us in the personal blog category for the 2008 China Blog Awards. We don’t know what happens if you place, but this is your chance to help us find out by taking the next 5 seconds, going here, and clicking the plus sign (+)! =)

Christmas!
And now for Christmas. To set the mood, behold! the photo on the right: this church in Tianjin has Santa and reindeer painted on the side… in August.

Two December’s ago, we brought you some disarmingly cute Third-Culture Kids from Africa making their point in a Target store.

Last December you just got a nice poem, though I was sorely tempted to post this video of a guy who crucifies Mickey Mouses and tries to exorcise the demons of out WalMart signs.

This year, it’s a slick little video from the Advent Conspiracy. Thank God your Christmas doesn’t have to be Made In China, or any other nation’s sweatshops:

Having a “christmas” that is Made In China and making Christmas in China — and everywhere else — are two different things. Thank God. And Merry Christmas!

(Thanks Miller and Steve for digging this one up. And for you Canadians: we’re not off the hook. Here’s the Canuck version.)

‘True Love Waits’… with Chinese characteristics

Joel 大江 — Tue, 08 Jul 2008 01:17:58 +0000

Normally this kind of thing goes in the sidebar, but this story is incredible. This is part of a translated report from one of China’s most politically liberal newspapers, about chastity confusion in contemporary China. Unlike America, where popular sexual mores and ethics such as those of the True Love Waits campaign often ultimately hang on appeals to right-or-wrong moral absolutes (or the lack thereof), China is historically oriented toward moral relativism; right and wrong are more utilitarian and dependent on specific circumstances. In the current ideological and spiritual vacuum that is today’s China, chastity – at least for women – still matters greatly, but the reasons are depressing. From the article, “Avoid sex to get a better husband”:

‘My parents believe that the most important thing for a woman is to marry into a good family, and losing virginity before marriage is losing competitiveness, which may lead to losing an opportunity of a good marriage,’ said Shen Fan. ‘When my parents got married, my mother was a virgin, which made her morally confident, especially when quarreling with father.’

‘They would be very happy to hear that my boyfriend loves me more than the other way around. The most ideal scenario to them is that he has fallen deeply in love, while I still keep my cool,’ said Shen Fan, ‘they want tangible benefit.’

I encourage you to read the whole article (it’s not long). They link to the Chinese version as well.

Being a “Lightbulb”

Joel 大江 — Thu, 01 Nov 2007 11:52:47 +0000

Jessica discovered this funny bit of slang from her teacher this week. In English we might say things like, “Three’s a crowd” or call someone a “third wheel” whenever a friend hangs out with a couple that would otherwise be romantically engaged. In Tianjin, they call this person a “lightbulb” (电灯泡儿); couples like to be alone in the dark, and having a third friend tag along is like turning on the lights!

Pop quiz: If every unmarried person under 30 lives in a tiny apartment with their parents, where do they go to kiss and cuddle with their 男朋友 or 女朋友? Right out in public, of course! You would not believe how much kissy-gooey-Hello-Kitty-cutesy PDA goes on around here! During the summer if you went for a walk in the park at night (note: everyone and their dog – literally – goes for a walk in the park at night here), every single bench – almost literally – along the canal would have some young couple snogging on it – only it’s not so much actual kissing as it is just being gooey-kissy-poo with one another… I don’t know how else to describe it. Even now that it’s cold at night, it doesn’t stop a lot of people. It’s kind of like living on a college campus full of freshmen.

In Tianjin, sexuality is still not really up for public discussion. But apparently this actually gives people freedom to make-out in public because the chances of ever having to actually talk about it are slim. Bright Future is trying to change that by developing a self-reproducing sexual health and values program for Tianjin universities. Their college intern, Chuck, and I were pretty much like lightbulbs the other night when we went out to get photos of couples for one of the upcoming lessons. There weren’t that many people out (it’s getting too cold), and it’s kind of hard to be discreet about it when you’re using a flash. Still, I hope they got what they wanted; they’re going to use the photos as a fun way to start one of the class discussions.

On Love and being ‘smart enough’

Jessica — Fri, 26 Oct 2007 08:57:51 +0000

I’m participating in the Bright Future Project at a local university again this semester. It’s always a good way to practice listening, and I get to pick up some really interesting vocabulary. This week’s topic was “True Love” and we did one of my favorite small group activity/discussions with the students. After being divided into a few same-sex groups, we ask them first to write a list of what they are looking for in a boyfriend/girlfriend. Then, after several minutes of letting them create their wish-lists, we ask them to write a list of what they think the opposite gender is looking for in a boyfriend/girlfriend. The answers are always interesting – and their reactions at finding out what the opposite gender thinks/desires are also fun to watch. This is one of those discussions that I can’t wait to hear over and over again as my Chinese continues to progress. Meanwhile, I’ll just give you a few bits and pieces from it that I did understand.

Surprisingly enough, most of the girls did not want a very handsome boyfriend. They stated pretty clearly that they felt like having a “too handsome boyfriend” was definitely unsafe (meaning, presumably, that he’d be a target for other women to hit on and therefore more likely to cheat). Also, I was even more surprised that the girls in this class didn’t say that their boyfriend should have a lot of money. Previous ladies in other classes have seemed to think that this was a pretty important quality.

The guys said that the girl should have long hair, big eyes, a good body, and “give him face.” I talked to one guy about the eyes, and he said “The eyes are the window of the heart/soul.” I was excited to discover both that I understood him, and that English and Chinese apparently share this saying. The guys also said that she should be “一般聪明” which means “smart enough” or “ordinarily smart.” There’s a definite thread in Chinese culture that says that smart, clever, and independent women are threatening or something to be feared, so the guys tend not to want a girlfriend that might be smarter than themselves.

Obviously, both groups mentioned a lot of other characteristics as well…it definitely wasn’t limited to the ones that I’ve written about here. Unfortunately, many of those desirable characteristics tend to be very poetic or abstract, which also makes them well above the reach of my current listening comprehension skills. Just think of it this way, if my eyes are the windows for you to see into the heart/soul of this discussion, then I’m the small-eyed undesirable girl for the time being. But it’s better than not having eyes at all, eh?