The bride arrives at the restaurant where the ceremony and banquet of a friend’s wedding were held this last weekend. In this short video you can see – once the smoke begins to clear – that they’re quite happy:

There was a nice ceremony before a huge lunch, with toasting and little “embarrass the bride and groom” games going on during the meal. In one game, I dangled a piece of candy from a string and the bride and groom had to try and each bite it without using their hands. In another game (and this was kind of gross, but funny) they fill up the groom’s mouth with as many candies as they can, and then he has to feed them to the bride without using his hands. Teasing the bride and/or groom is an old tradition, though no doubt the details have changed over the years. The whole event was a lot of fun. The ceremony was much like an American ceremony, except that it included the bride and groom serving tea to the parents, and the bride led a little karaoke sing-along.

Just got off Skype with my family in Vancouver – they just finished the huge annual Thanksgiving dinner, with all the homemade Ukrainian food and friends and games and everything. The video connection was bad, but we did get to sort of see and hear our niece ‘live’ for the first time (she’s my parent’s only grandchild so far). Missing meaningful family events is a sacrifice we knew we were going to have to make to live over here, but that doesn’t make us like it any better. We miss you guys! Eat lots of pierogies for us!

And of course, Canadian Thanksgiving also means the start of another NHL season, which I’m thoroughly convinced our American friends will never learn to truly appreciate (but this video – which makes perfect sense to me – is worth the 25 seconds, even if you are an American ;) ):

Living overseas sometimes involves sacrifices you didn’t think about ahead of time, and some are bigger than others. Can you imagine giving up your sports – not just being unable to follow your team, but playing as well? It’s not a major sacrifice for me, I guess, since grad school pretty much killed my Canucks watching ways long before we made it to China and it hardly compares to missing family events, but I still miss it, especially playing. I’m still trying to figure out what to do if we have boys… ping-pong just wouldn’t be quite the same.

Both of these choices are answers we got when we asked, “Why do the old men always put blue covers on the bird cages when they go for walks?”

(a) because their bird might learn bad language from the other birds.
or
(b) so their birds don’t get dizzy from their “exercise.”

What do you think? Here’s a clue: Why are the cages in the first man’s hands parallel to the ground?

He’s swinging the bird cages. Swinging the cages makes the birds hold onto their perch and flap their wings, so they use their muscles and get exercise. The owners don’t want their birds to get dizzy, so they cover the cages. They also cover them during transport, I assume for a similar reason.

These are special birds. They can say hello in Chinese, and imitate a variety of cell phone rings. We asked how much for one at the flower-bird-fish-bug market, and the guy told me 3000 RMB ($400 CDN)! I can’t believe it, even though my second and third opinions agreed. Crazy.

In our neighbourhood, the retired men usually take their birds for a walk to the park in the morning, hang them in trees or put them on the grass while they play cards, and then head home around 10:30.

I followed these guys on my bike. Turn up the sound! And no, I’m not stalking people. They really did just happen to be in front of me on the way to the pharmacy.

If you’re a Westerner with Chinese friends, or a Chinese person with Western friends, you probably ought to read this. It’s from the end of Communicating Effectively with the Chinese, which is co-authored by a Chinese and a Western scholar and easily the single best-all-around book I’ve read on the subject so far. They should force-feed it to all China-bound Westerners, in my opinion.

Anyway, first the advice for North Americans who wish to get along better with their Chinese friends. Many Chinese would no doubt be astounded that we actually have to be told this kind of stuff (p. 85):

1. Focus on how something is said – relational and mutual-face meanings often outweigh literal, content meanings.
2. Learn to read paralinguistic cues, such as facial expressions, body movements, gestures, and pauses.
3. Develop a belief that words can be inadequate and insufficient.
4. Understand that Chinese selves are often embedded in plural pronouns, and learn to differentiate personal opinions from those of the group.
5. Be aware that impersonal language can be used with outsiders and that insiders and outsiders are treated differently.
6. Accept that Chinese value indirect talk and that requests are often implied.
7. Recognize that definitive responses are rarely given in Chinese culture and that the word yes may have multiple meanings.
8. Understand that modesty is a Chinese virtue and that understating and discrediting oneself is expected.
9. Be aware that personal questions considered as private in the United States are asked frequently and that guān xīn talk is a sign of care and interest.
10. Accept that Chinese tend to keep opinions to themselves and are uncomfortable in engaging in social talk with strangers.

And now the advice for the Chinese, who want to get along with their Western friends. You might be surprised that the authors felt Chinese actually need to be told some of this stuff (p. 86):

1. Focus on what is said; try not to read too much into the words or be oversensitive to nonverbal nuances.
2. Learn to accept what is said.
3. Develop a belief that verbal messages and feedback are powerful and effective.
4. Understand that self-affirmation and individuality are important to North Americans and that self-oriented messages are used to separate oneself from others.
5. Be aware that everyone should be treated equally and that polite speech applies to family members, intimate friends, and strangers.
6. Accept that North Americans value direct talk and that requests are often stated explicitly.
7. Recognize that being assertive is valued in the U.S. culture and that “no” is an accepted assertive response.
8. Understanding that modesty is equated with low self-confidence and that enhancing and crediting oneself is expected.
9. Learn not to ask personal questions, because they can be offensive and insulting; understand that guān xīn talk may be construed as meddling and intrusive.
10. Accept that North Americans like to express their opinions openly and are talkative in the social interactions.

Imagine that you’re having dinner with eight people you’ve only just met and one of them suddenly points out the zit on your forehead and says, “You have a big zit! You should stop eating spicy food.” Or imagine that when you go to get your flat bike tire repaired, one of the guys hanging out with the bike repair man says, “You’re too fat! That’s why your tire is flat. You shouldn’t ride a bike.” Or instead of imagining, you could just come to China!

This ought to be one of the first things they tell China-bound foreigners after the flight attendants have reviewed the safety instructions:

Be aware that personal questions considered as private in the United States are asked frequently and that guān xīn talk is a sign of care and interest.

It’s sort of a friendly joke shared among foreigners here. If you regularly spend time with locals, you will regularly be on the receiving end of 关心 talk, which is intended to express care, concern, or interest on the part of the speaker; it’s a relational gesture. However, many Chinese typically express care, concern, and interest by asking about or publically commenting on things that North Americans consider private, personal, and none-of-your-business: your appearance, age, marital status, weight (especially if you are exceptionally larger than the average Chinese, and many if not most Western women fit this category), number of children, salary, where you live, how much your rent is, how much your school fees are, what you should do about any apparent health concerns… these things are all in the public domain.

But it doesn’t stop there. 关心 talk also includes freely offered advice and criticism (劝解): usually what you or your child should eat, wear, or do to be healthier. It’s predictable, and was recently proven so by an American-educated-and-married Taiwanese woman we know here. She was out for a walk with a newly-arrived American English teacher, pushing her toddler in a stroller. She knew her son would fall asleep sitting in the stroller, and that locals consider this bad for the baby. She told her friend to watch, and sure enough, strangers came up and told her how to better take care of her baby.

(I also wonder if the questions, particularly the financial questions, are a means of “sizing you up,” so people can know where they stand in relation to you on the status-scale, which defines virtually all relationships in this Confucian-heritage culture.)

Gao and Ting-Toomey, who’ve co-authored my favourite all-around book about Chinese communication for Westerners, which ought to be mandatory reading for all Westerners in China, say this about 关心 talk (81-82):

…guān xīn (关心； “to show concern”) talk is a communicative genre that occupies a prominent position in Chinese relational communication. Guān xīn entails asking questions about a person’s well-being and other personal matters… “To show concern” also evokes the use of cautionary remarks, such as, “You should not drink too much because it is not good for your health” or “You should put on some warm clothes because it is cold outside”… Quàn jiě (劝解； “to caution and to advise”) is widely employed to show concern for others in Chinese culture…

Now of course, to Westerners all this public meddling in our private affairs is astonishingly offensive:

North Americans, however, do not appreciate others asking questions about their financial situation, age, family status, or appearance… To many North Americans, the discourse of guān xīn can be misconstrued as disturbingly patronizing, condescending, and offensive.

Most of us don’t really know why we find it so offensive, other than that we intuitively consider these things to be “none of their business!” and we feel like they’re invading our privacy. The social scholars say we find it offensive because it impinges on our general sense of autonomy and individual self-determination – non-negotiable, culturally sacred values for North Americans.

“Bad days” aside, most foreigners we know just politely and happily endure such conversations, and if it was particularly noteworthy, laugh it off afterward with friends. I’ve personally started taking a more pro-active approach and having fun with it (how Western of me! ;) ), now that I know what’s in the realm of likely conversation. As soon as they bring up something “personal,” I engage it like it’s totally an interesting thing to talk about; none of that sheepish please-let’s-change-the-subject squirming from this 大鼻子外国人! Except that I deliberately avoid giving certain bits of financial information with some people.

Some of our own experiences with 关心 talk have made it to the blog before (but I’m too lazy to go look up all the links). Most recently a friend of ours “got the treatment” from the old boys club at the bicycle repair corner in our neighbourhood.